Loss is devastating for anyone. No one said it was easy, and I never thought it to be so. To survive is to tuck your grief within. This is not about me being a survivor, it is to all the military wives who brave struggles of their own through their lives. They live alone in separated family quarters while their husbands are away. They are the non-uniformed soldiers, always and everytime. I guess, being married to the man they love makes it all seem worth it
eetika Lidder with husband, Brig LS Lidder. One learns lessons which only grief can teach, she says, but true love always lends grace along with it.
And he was gone… just like that. In a second, so many lives got so cruelly snuffed out in December last year. One couldn’t believe that we had lost someone so full of life — Toni (Brig LS Lidder). Toni had a persona which was larger than life. He was lovable all the way and loving in his own characteristic way. His voice boomed as much as his enthusiasm and he just walked in anywhere like a fresh breath of life and joy. He lifted the spirits of the place wherever he was and “being happy” was a choice he made for himself no matter what the circumstances were.
Toni was the perfect officer and gentleman. He autographed his work with self-propelled excellence. He endeared himself to everyone he came in contact with by the sheer goodness of heart, humility of attitude and kindness that reflected on his face.
Loss is very devastating for anyone, and a loss which is just not explainable and attributable to any medical condition or illness leaves a person who is the survivor numb with the shock and trauma of it all. ‘Survivor’ is an apt word, but it hit me like a slap on my face as I realised that I had lost him. That I will never see him again, never hold his hand in mine, that he will never hold me again. I had to survive not just his loss, but the loss of us. There was no us anymore. It was me, the survivor. So when we sign, very nonchalantly, for an FD on the dotted line which says “Either of survivor”, we never give it a thought of how this word takes its meaning when you are the survivor. When you are the one who has to carry on.
To survive is to tuck your grief within and understand that it is not just the person who’s gone. He took away the tomorrows, the plans, the security of having him around, the comfort of talking to him, the partnership of life. It was a long, lonely and dreary road ahead.
Toni, the man who made me what I am and who I am, would have flinched if I would have cut a sorry figure of the pitiable widow, the distraught wife, at any stage. It is the strength that he left me with which made it possible that within hours of realising that I was the survivor, I understood with a deep peace and calm acceptance that I will survive. Not just that, there also came a resolve and an understanding that I will survive in a way that makes him proud. I came to terms with the fact that I have to walk with my head held high, with pride at being a soldier’s wife, I have to give him a smiling send-off in lieu of the countless happy moments he gave us as a family. I have to carry on with acceptance, grace and gratitude that I am the chosen one who was his wife for so many years. I could dress smartly and walk with tearless eyes at the Palam airport as I received his body, because I knew it will hurt him to see me not living up to the Lidder legacy. It had to be about poise and grace, and the strength just came from him.
No one said it was easy, and I never thought it to be so. However, once your resolve is true and your positivity is within you, both Aashna and I realise that God helps you through this journey. I firmly believe that Toni left this world in a way that he left angels to look out for us and to hold us in our bad moments. We are extremely grateful to our friends and family who have held us through this year and surrounded us with tender, loving care.
For our daughter to come to terms with this has been so hard and harsh. Her friends have been her go-to and her father helps her from above to go through each day and trudge along like my little soldier, making my eyes glisten with pride each time I see her. We have trained our mind to think that we are not less, we are just different. This is our new normal and we live our lives in the best possible way, carrying only the good memories of our life with Toni, thanking him and blessing him all the way.
I have always been a working woman and Toni had always pushed me to be one and achieve more than I was ever ready to. Today, I look back and understand the signals from life. This was probably what has carried me through this year. My workplace, the people around me, the children I teach, the sensitivity and love that surround me. I still consider myself very fortunate that I have a new purpose in life. I have diverted all my energies towards my work and it makes my day challenging and joyful.
So this is not about me being a survivor, it is to all the military wives who brave struggles of their own through their lives. They live alone in separated family quarters while their husbands are away. They are the non-uniformed soldiers — always and everytime. They battle loneliness, sick children, ageing parents and in-laws, banking, seeing annual days alone, attending weddings alone, their jobs, and so much more. I guess, being married to the man they love makes it all seem worth it.
Today, as I stand at the threshold of this landmark, a year of being without Toni, one has learnt lessons which only grief can teach, but true love always lends grace along with it. I am still humbled by the fact that I led such a blessed life with the man I looked up to the most. I never ask my God the question “Why?” We need to bow in humble acceptance of His will and if someone told me this 26 years ago that this will happen and he will leave you at such a young age, I would have still gladly chosen to be his wife. So great are the memories of the life we made together. “Death is a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal.” I have memories to live on and cherish for a lifetime.https://3906dd5cf08a510063eac09c8d4a5599.safeframe.googlesyndication.com/safeframe/1-0-40/html/container.html
— The writer is the wife of Brig LS Lidder, who died in an air crash along with Chief of Defence Staff Bipin Rawat, his wife Madhulika Rawat and 11 others on December 8, 2021